You know that it is important; it not only determines how your next 20 months will be spent but also many years of your life, yet you screwed it up.

I'm at a total loss right now. It's my fault to have not read instructions properly or clarify if in doubt. But it's too late; what is done cannot be undone.

I can only hope for the best, hope that I am not severely marked down on 1 silly mistake that jeopardised the whole mission. Command school is still where I want to be; it's a wake-up call. I've got to put in double effort for the remaining month there and save myself from falling into my own shellscrape.

 

Telltale signs left by me would have indicated that I had decided to give up blogging. Now that I am back, the main purpose wouldn't be to blog, but to vent.

It's been almost half a month since my last paper and yet when faced with the prospect of not receiving our results only until March next year made me worry. Questions like are you sure you answered this correctly appeared frequently I am left alone and my brain is given the opportunity to wander.

That's the uncertainty I faced. I got too much to lose, I realised and everything stemmed from that set of grades. Grades, scholarship, career, the list goes on. Most importantly, the uncertainty is a breeding ground for fear to set in, fear that you wouldn't do well. I also feared that I did not put in enough effort in my work before the 'A's to score well. I know that it is not end of the world when you don't do well, there is always another way out; but if given a choice, nobody would never want to give themselves a second shot at it if they can achieve it in their first try.

The fear is gripping me and I would feel better telling you guys who are reading it even though there's nothing I can do about it except wait for my turn to collect the results in March 2011. Whatever results I get, I will have to accept it. If it is unfavourable, I will decide on my next move and find my way out when the time comes in March.